[i absolutely and totally lifted this from jenniferjoe's diary. it is definitely not my own work, but i just about wet my pants it's so great. uh, i didn't really even come close to wetting my actual pants. ahem.]

The Play starts in front of palace

Guard: Oh no! That ghost is back!

Horatio: He looks like King Hamlet, I can tell because his eyes are the scariest things ever (this is based on Branagh's Hamlet movie, of course)

Other random guard: Oh let's tell Hamlet Jr.

others: good plan!!!

Inside Palace great room

Claudius: My brother died a month ago, but i just married his wife and took over his kingdom! Where is Hamlet?

Gertrude: Oh there he is. he looks pissed.

Claud: Hamlet, let's be friends. I'm you new Dad!

Hamlet: moody silence

Gertrude: Hamlet, please stay at elsinore with us instead of going off to school

Hamlet: Okay

Everyone leaves but Hamlet

Hamlet: I am so sad because my father died and my mom is a ho.

Horatio: Come outside tonight and talk to this ghost that looks like your dead father!

Hamlet: Okay.

Ophelia and Laertes: We are brother and sister and we like to hug.

Laertes: Oh no, I have to go to France now. Hopefully nothing bad happens while I'm gone.

Night time, Outside

Hamlet: My ho mom and her new husband are having drunken sex right now.

Horatio: Ouch, that's rough. But here comes your scary dad again! Even though I brought you out here to talk to him, I changed my mind cause I think he is Satan.

But Hamlet is already following his scary dead dad.

Dead Hamlet: Mark!

Hamlet: What?

Dead Hamlet: Mark!

Hamlet: My name's not Mark. Its Hamlet.

Dead Hamlet: Oh. Well, anyway, my brother killed me by pouring poison in my ear. Then my head exploded. And your mother is a ho.

Hamlet: I must avenge my father! But first I must act crazy so I can find out if this ghost is lying to me or not.

Everyone: Why is Hamlet acting so crazy?

Polonius: I think he is being crazy because he loves my daughter, and she doesnt have any tenders, or something.

Claudius: Okay, let's spy on him talking to Ophelia.

Ophelia: I willingly go along with this.

Hamlet(alone): To be or not to be. Et cetera et cetera et cetera.

Ophelia: Hi, hamlet.

Hamlet: Ah, the fair Ophelia.

O: Mark, i must ignore your tenders.

H: Well, now I am going to go into a fit of rage because everyone keeps calling me Mark! Plus I love you! get thee to a nunnery bi-otch!

O: Whaaaaa!!!

C and P: Uh oh. Time to call in Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

Later...

H: At first I was happy to see you guys, but now i know you are just lackeys!

R+G: Fair enough. But look, here are some actors advantageously here at your disposal!

H: Hmm, that gives me an idea. i'll ask Charlton Heston to do a special play about my ho mom and murderous uncle.

Night of play

H: Oh man, I'm going to be EXTRA crazy tonight!

O: Calm down, freak.

H: Do you want me to say something very vulgar to you?

O: NO thanks.

H: Too bad *censored*

Claudius and Gertrude:This play makes us uncomfortable. Let's go.

C: Polonius, get Hamlet to come talk to his mom in her bedchamber.

P: (under breath) what a ho. (out loud) Okay. I will watch, I mean spy to find a window into Hamlet's madness.

C: I'm going to pray.

H: Dammit Canit' kill him when he is praying! Better go to my mother's chamber. Hi mom.

G: Hello, Hamlet. What's your problem?

H: Oops, i accidentally killed Polonius.

G: Now you have to go to England.

H: The ghost is mad at me cause I haven't avenged him yet! From this time on, my thoughts be bloody or be nothing worth!

Foreshadowing: Here comes Fortinbras. Now what's the point of him again?

Shakespeare: He's symbolic.

Fortinbras: I have a lazy eye.

Intermission

O: My father is dead. Now its my turn to go crazy, padded room style!

G: Poor fair Ophelia.

Laertes: I'm back from France! What the hell?

O: I'm crazy now and singing bawdy songs

C: It's all Hamlet's fault!

L: I am a tool!

Outside, later

O:Maybe if I jump in this pretty stream I can find my true love, Leo.

Everyone: Ophelia is dead!

Gravediggers: Our bit is probably important in a literary sense, but stupid.

H: I'm back from England! Oh no! The fair Ophelia is dead!

L: It's all your fault you bastard! I shall kill you!

H: Okay, let's just skip that 1and1/2 hour of talking and get straight to the duel

L: Okay.

C: Laertes, here is some poison for your sword And for this wine. Oh man, i am such a genius. this plan canNOT backfire.

L: I'm a tool.

The Big Fight

C:Nice hit Hamlet! How about drinking this wine with a pearl in it?

H: No thanks.

G: I'll drink it instead

C: NO!

G: All I ever do is listen to you. Well, this is the first time I am going to stand up for myself. Screw you! This is a good idea! (Drinks) Oh no, poison!

H: Oh no, me and Laertes have been scratched by poison blades! But I'll forgive him, cause he is my evil uncle's tool!

L: Thanks. I am dead.

H: I am going to die, but first I have to AVENGE MY FATHER!!!!

Horatio: Well, this sucks I was the only stable person in this play, now I am the only person left in this play.

Fortinbras: I'm here to take over Denmark! Oh wait, everyone's already dead. This works nicely in my favor.

Everyone: All hail Fortinbras!

the end