i would like to thank uhappy2day2 for sharing an artichoke/eggplant/chicken pizza with me, and for attempting to throw bits of red crayon down the front of my shirt. i think it's proof of our collective maturity.

but specifically, thanks for the talking. you have a different way of analysis than anyone else i know, and it makes for an extremely enlightening conversation.

i've discovered something, and probably i've known it all along. while i'm obviously a seeker of attention, i also clam up like a clam (that was for cary, actually) when i'm faced with people who skirt along my sphere of influence. in the next few sentences, i shall try to explain that horrible sentence. (liz stares at the lamp on the desk and wonders what it is that she actually wants to say. she can't think of it, but she plans to type something anyway.) (oh wait, she remembers.)

i hate feeding the conversation. i hate the (unwarranted) feeling of being the entertainment. i feel, i think, at times that i have to keep the other person's attention, or else they'll suddenly remember that they're bored with me. that's it. i'm scared to death of boring everyone. i rarely even think of what i'm getting out of the conversation. my own personal enjoyment comes at a distant second, while i fight to maintain the positive regard.

i'm afraid that people will discover i'm uninteresting and dull and useless.

sometimes. and that’s absolutely counter to what i think relationships should be based on. if i’m not completely interested in what i'm hearing you say, why i am i wasting my time? why would anyone continue to talk to somebody by whom they’re not fascinated? i think i do it so that people won’t pull a fast one on me. it all comes back to junior high. dag nab it. it takes three girls to completely warp one’s sense of self worth. and again, i have plenty of self worth. most times. it’s just when i don’t that i absolutely don’t. i don’t understand why i spend my time with people who don’t know why kurt browning is the funniest man alive, or with whom i haven’t bantered about ghandi, or by whom i’m not fascinated. that’s what i want. i want to be enchanted with everyone. and them with me. unconditional positive regard, but based on something.

most times, i'm thrilled to death with everybody. i absolutely love talking to people (and chances are, if you're reading this, i've very rarely, or never, felt compelled to perform around you).

but then again, i've felt that way around everyone i know.

this sounds terrible. it sounds like i'm saying "sorry guys, i'm scared of you." and i'm not. i love you. lvoe, even. but this isn't one of those entries.