Ahem. Right. There are a few things that I think need to be said, and as I am freshly bathed and my room is clean, I believe now is the time to do it. Those of you who know me best will realize the utter sarcasm in the last sentence. I am most definitely in my pajamas amidst piles of creative debris. But I digress, as I so often do.

Number one. Julia Braun is the oldest girl I know apart from myself. She is, count them, twenty years old. Her birthday was the first of the year, which means that I am at least two days late on calling her. This makes me a shmuck and a retard. However, my grandparents forgot my birthday this year, and so I guess I’m just paying it forward. Julia, Julia, Julia. She visited Texas a little while ago, probably in a vain attempt to recreate the merriment that ensued the weeks after graduation. Sweetie, it’s impossible. Nobody and nobody can ever have more fun than you and me and a digital camera and a pack of batteries. I look through those pictures when I’m supposed to be doing homework. Why did we take so many pictures of men with braids? It’s just not right. I haven’t seen you in 3 years. That’s not true, but it feels like it. I miss your guts out.

Number two. Yes, yes, I also missed Krista’s birthday, but by fewer days. Krista, too, is old as the earth. In fact, if Krista, Julia and I were stranded on a desert island, we would go through monstrous loads of Vaseline. I don’t know why, but it occurred to me in the middle of that sentence that I was about to make an old joke, and why would I want to do that? So I shifted to Vaseline, and now I fear it doesn’t make sense. Oh, but I don’t care. Krista, do you remember that day in AP when Elaine had us write those letters to ourselves in five years? Well, since my parents were moving to an unknown location, I just kept my letter in the bottom of my junk drawer, because it seemed reasonable that I wouldn’t reach the bottom of my junk drawer for five years. I overestimated, and I came to it a few days ago. Anyway, while reading it, I mentioned you and how close we had gotten in just a year. I also mentioned the chalk eraser we voluntarily acquired from dragon lady Spanish teacher. It was fun. I miss you.

For the month of January, I’m taking a philosophy course. It’s from 8-12 every day, and besides that I have very little going on. It seems like the ideal time for anyone and everyone to peruse the learning environment in middle Pennsylvania. Actually, it’s essential. I miss you guys like my mom misses my clean room. The previous sentence applies to probably anybody who still reads this business.

Take heart. The snow will come back soon. And then I’ll hit you with it in the face. Hm. Maybe I’ll just hit Jordan Kritt.