after reading becky's entry, i was suddenly, alarmingly aware of my own dissatisfaction with the way i interact with people. i've noticed myself change exponentially since coming to college, and most of the changes were things i'd expected. i'm better with time management, i can do my taxes sorta, i'm more globally aware. i haven't really noticed anything different about how i act with people. as in, i'm loud and obnoxious. i have the penchant for knowing a lot of people. i target strangers with jokes about muffins. but what i'm worried about is the possibility that i lack the closeness in friendships that i would have if i nurtured a few. i feel like i'm a walking handshake. i feel like i'm schmoozing most of the time. i don't mean to do it, but i feel hugely unfriendly if i don't at least say hello to everyone i know. and if i keep introducing myself, i know more people. and then i have to greet them too.

my friend michelle told me that talking to me is like watching a commercial. ten seconds on you, ten seconds on someone else, back to you, back to them, on to someone new, back to you. lather rinse repeat.

i don't regret my personality. i'm glad to know that i belong in a community, that i have people to whom i can talk and be silly, that i have friends who come to me with problems and who don't mind if i too have problems.

i just wonder if there's a calmer side of life that i should be experiencing. what's funny is that i DID used to be shy and introverted. up through middle school. i know what it's like to be scared witless talking to someone. it's still scary in a lot of situations. in fact, i've been putting myself through drills. i've begun introducing myself to people by whom i'm hugely intimidated. it horrifies me every time.

the only benefit i can really see in doing this is to push myself out of my comfort zone. i wonder if it would be better to just be content with who i know already rather than targeting yet more friendly faces. it feels like i'm ever spreading myself thinner.

hm. this is pretty conflicted and written wicked poorly. sorry.